Saturday, June 21, 2014

Why WallyWorld will be a book

      So, in my “truth is stranger than fiction” folder, I have a whole separate section for that big box store out of Arkansas…because in my redneck area- we do seem to attract some winners. Yesterday I ventured that way because I’m a lazy shopper and figured I could get everything needed for our excursion on Sunday in one stop.(Fail) For as long as I can remember I have had an issue with low blood sugar and yesterday it decided to rear its smarmy head and be a real pest. I knew I was a bit shaky when I left, but I figured, ‘hey, I’ve eaten- good stuff for a change, I’ll be fine’ and getting to the store- I was. I even scored double gold in finding a parking spot close to the door & in the shade.
  As I’m walking in, that little voice in the back of your head pipes up…(you know- the one you know you should listen to, but because you believe you’re a genius-you don’t.) I look up and see what is either a bird skimming the floor or a big mouse running for cover. I stopped- right in the doorway, head turning every which way like a demented over size parrot as I tell me, “self…you have never hallucinated with crappy sugar levels.” Which is when I noticed Ding & Dong stocking the shelves, I’m sure there were names on their big smiley face tags, but they earned the titles, Ding & Dong. I look their way and say, “Ya know, either that was a really big mouse running across the floor- or a bird was chasing something to the shelves.” To which Dong replies, “Dunno, I didn’t see anything.”
    Call me crazy, but I would almost expect that from some 18 yr old, but not from some 40-ish yr old man. Dong chimed in to giggle like someone just took a whole chicken’s worth of feathers to his ticklish zones. They got the mom eye roll and I moved on- list clutched tightly in my sweaty hand. About half way through this trip I realized I was talking myself through each turn and section and I knew- yep, this is officially bad. Sweat is pouring off my face to the point I decided to add a wash cloth to my list so I could wipe off my face. I’m heading for the same garden center check out that I had entered through when I spotted Ding & Dong. I had some smart mouth retort to their behavior, but I was side tracked by this cute little old lady that began to shriek like a banshee.
About every third word came out in Puerto Rican, she’s accenting them with more ear vibrating screams and punctuating it by throwing anything and everything she could reach at the mystery critter…which was a very fat mouse. She was double fist throwing bottles of tiki torch oil and containers of fertilizer (hello? EPA…)which some dim-wit stocked side by side. As she is doing this, she is trying to get into the back of the cart, so she has one leg in the basket, one on the floor, hopping along and this poor mouse... Don’t get me wrong- I hate mice. I would grab a gun and go out in the dark to shag away cougars and coyotes and a bear or two in Michigan- a mouse & I am yelling for Ed to save me. This poor thing would run a foot or two one way, and then something would bounce next to it and it would race the other and all I could think of was “This would be a twist on Duck Hunt.”  
Ding & Dong are pointing at the woman, the manager is running down the main aisle of the store with this Fat Albert look alike store security guard…he stopped and flopped into a chair as soon as he got there. The woman is now slinging the contents of her cart at the mouse and still screeching. At least the world knows she has healthy lungs. This is where the phrase “Not my circus, not my monkeys” runs through my head closely followed by a prayer that the drink coolers had something I could get down and not be empty- for a change. I start to walk off and Ding says “Hey, wait” and he’s pointing at the banshee. I smiled and shook my head and said, “Dunno what to say dude. I don’t see anything.” And walked on.
I did sit in the parking lot talking to Julie, drinking my Coke and waiting for everything to even out, as well as giving her a play by play on a shirtless cowboy who chose to clean his truck in the wallyworld parking lot when there’s a car wash at the end of the row, as I pulled out, a fire truck was pulling in.
Three weeks ago I was waiting on my son to come out of the store when I saw two old men- using canes on each other. I’m not sure what started it, I had been reading when the gathering crowd caused more than one horn blower to emerge. They were gasping and leaning on the cars as their wives walked up within seconds of each other. The question was “what are you doing you crazy old fool?” They shook hands, and then pulled their cars down into that clown-y burger joint at the end of the lot. As we pulled out, they were at an umbrella table out front.  Before that we watched some kid race out of the store and dive onto the hood of a parked car, kind of like a belly flop, only to get this really odd look on his face and then start to apologize to the occupant, followed by “I thought it was my mom’s car.” And some cheesy laughter…it stopped when the cop pulled in.

This is why I have pretty much decided to write a book on the wonders of this place.

2 comments:

Patricia Kiyono said...

Yup. Definitely book material. Go for it!

Carissa's Musings said...

or a entire episode of America's Funniest Home Videos